All is calm...

Today I'm choosing to be raw. Raw in my feelings and emotions.   Not going to lie, I haven't spent one actual Christmas Day with Aaron. So maybe I don't have the same right to miss him....    At least on this day. 

I didn't "grow" up in the Esch household but I think we all grew up with a sense of belonging or connection that was obvious the day we met. I felt a part of them. I can see many similarities between myself and Ethan and Aaron.

 Yes, it's genetic!!! 

I've been feeling vulnerable. 

Helpless. 

Panicky.  

I miss him. I can honestly say the last words we exchanged were "bye, I love you". And I am so grateful for that. I was able to spend a lot of time with Aaron the week of Thanksgiving. We laughed, talked, hung out, laughed some more. I even woke him up so he could get my 3 yr old out of a locked bathroom!! 

I go through different emotions 30x a day. I feel like if I am, then I can't imagine the emotions that come with people really close to him. I do know I love him. I really want to hug him again. I want to laugh with him again.  

This time of year is making things hard but also easier. It's really conflicting. I know Aaron would want us to enjoy life and especially Christmas time but human emotion and lack of understanding makes it hard.  It's been easier because I've been kinder this Christmas. I've been giving and doing it with the mindset of Aaron. I'm understanding the true meaning of Christmas. I'm loving more and remembering why we celebrate this beautiful season and time of year.  The birth of our wonderful Savior, Jesus Christ. Although I do not always understand things I know He loves us all.  

This picture has many different meanings for me. I know Aaron is happy. I know he is safe. I know he is also taking care of all of those sweet souls taken so early. Aaron is working miracles along side of the master himself and that calms my raging emotions. 

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” [Matt. 11:28–30]

"Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God... He wishes us to come unto him, to follow him, to be comforted by him. Then he wishes us to give comfort to others. However halting our steps are toward him—though they shouldn't be halting at all—his steps are never halting toward us. May we have enough faith to accept the goodness of God and the mercy of his Only Begotten Son. May we come unto him and his gospel and be healed. And may we do more to heal others in the process. When the storms of life make this difficult, may we still follow his bidding to “come,” keeping our eye fixed on him forever and single to his glory. In doing so we too will walk triumphantly over the swelling waves of life’s difficulties and remain unterrified amid any rising winds of despair".

Facebook memories...

Chris Mejia :  the day i met you was my first day at stetson hills 7th grade Mr. Aguilleras PE class first hour. your team beat my team in basketball that day, i remember this cuz you stole the ball from me twice that day, good first impression bro!


Tres Lachance:   It was getting close to the end of a basketball practice and Aaron didn't want to finish it out. He bet our coach that if he could catch a bunny inside the park that we could end practice and go home. I have never seen someone run so fast for so long... After watching him chase a bunny for a half hour the coach finally gave up and told us to go home. Only good memories of him.


Nick King:  We grew up together from first grade on i just keep thinking about the memory's that we shared in rocky point ,school, playing on basket ball teams, the crazy things you would say and do the random stuff we always managed to get our self's into, you trying to help me when i went through a dark time and always brightening up the room.

Tory Roby:   Remember in California, when me & Jackie had to sneak into the boys room & hide in a cabinet? Then you left your pants outside! Remember when we went to the movies & had to get a ride home from a complete stranger? Or when you met my parents for the first time & you kept calling my dad Doug?

                   I remember calling Aaron from rehab & all he could do was sing Amy whinehouse. 

Brittany Andrews: I don't have one memory of you when we aren't laughing. You were such a good spirited guy who was always supportive. 

Darian Laughlin:   I still remember the day you were the one and only person who supported me at one of my swim meets! and all the fun times we've had.

Steven Gomez:  All the good times playing basketball growing up. Definitely learned a lot from you on the court.

Gavin Lover:  I remember being in California and spending the entire day painting a house with you, then going out skating that night and having a bonfire after with everyone.

Taylor Thompson:  I will never forget all of the great times we had playing halo, fooseball, and skating with jordan and dylan.

Amber LeBoeuf:  thanks for some unforgettable childhood memories and being my short buddy in kindergarten having to use a step stool for the drinking fountain :) 

 Sean Williams:  Remember coach used to call us slap nuts and gave you the nickname "Flying E" 

                          You were that friend that made anyone laugh and smile no matter what mood they were in. You were always down to do anything made bets with coach just to get out of practice made the other teams coach mad cause you kept stealing the inbound pass.

Ryan Rajec:  I still remember when you and I were little kids growing up together man. I've made years upon years of truly great memories with you that I will cherish till the day that I die

Brianna Minnix:  I can't ever remember a moment when u weren't smiling, your such an amazing person and you will always be remembered!

Jon DaDabo:  Never once saw you without a smile on your face. I am a better man today for having met you and having you pass through my life.

Jessica Hatfield: You were always such a bright light in a dark room, always cracking jokes and making everyone laugh. You really were the class clown, and the type of person that others would always gravitate to.

Family

This is the most recent picture of us kids.

 Thankful for the time spent with family and grateful Aaron's goofy laugh can still ring in my ears!!!

3 seconds after being an angel....

and already hard at work.  Ethan was on the way to the hospital and phoned that his brakes were bad. He carefully maneuvered his way into a parking spot across the street and headed into the small room we had been calling home the last week. When he walked in, we had just heard the worst news anyone, especially any mother, could hear. 

After the days event, we went home. When we finally went to go get Ethan's truck, we realized that a miracle had taken place. Dad flushed the truck with brake fluid and it just went through the truck. There is no other explanation for Ethan getting to the hospital that night other then God was protecting him. 

Mom had to go to the bathroom so she went into the nursing home where Ethan had parked. It also was the type of facility Aaron would have gone to once out of the hospital.  Even though I have no doubt that mom could've handled any physical or emotional trial that would've followed the accident, that place would've crushed Aaron's soul. We would've lost him either way.

Call it what you will, but in my heart of hearts, I believe Aaron was given the choice. The timing is too perfect. Things were going SO well and all week things were moving in the right direction.

I think it was his way of telling us that it will all be okay. Aaron will give us signs that he's here, I have no doubt.